I’ve seen more pathetically bad poker in the past 30 days than I ever hope to see for the remainder of my lifetime. I usually play Middle Limit, but I’ve been playing low limit, to work out a leak. It’s also a much shorter commute for me than my normal game at Bay 101; and sometimes I just need the action.
I’ve grown so disgusted playing in these low stakes games by the complete lack of even the most fundamental understanding of the game that I’ve decided to write this treatise and attempt to surgically remove people’s head’s buried deep within their asses. Even with these tactics, you’ll still be a long way from being an expert poker player, but at least you won’t embarrass yourself and the rest of the human race.
The following is based on my combined 8 years of playing and studying the game of Poker with deep religious conviction simply because I can not stand to lose. Fasten your seatbelts.
Pay Attention!
This is the primary fault of players at the table, at any level. The good news for you, is if you pay attention after you fold just 1 hand every round, and then you’ll have tripled your next closest competitor. They aren’t there to play cards and win; they’re at the table to get away from their wife and kids for a couple of hours. They’re there to drink beer and tell lies, they didn’t come to win. In fact, they came specifically to lose; otherwise why wouldn’t they pay any attention to the game? If they cared about winning or remotely respected their money, then they’d have the remotest of clues. They’d spend 5 minutes learning how to play. I’m not even talking about the people that just learned to play last year; I’m talking directly to the people that claim to have played for years and still can’t figure out when to use a 3-bet, still have no clue what the pot is offering and certainly don’t have a clue where they’re at in the hand. Let’s start you off more simply, just pay attention.
When a weak player is begging to give away their chips, they will tell you in no uncertain terms. However, you won’t know that if you aren’t paying attention to the game and the players. They’ll crack a faint smile when they hit, a slight grimace when they miss. They’ll hold their breath when they’re weak, they’ll breath heavy when they’re strong. They’re stare at the board when they’re weak, they’ll look away like they aren’t interested when they’re strong. They’ll slam or fling their chips in the pot when they’re weak, they’ll set them in softly when they’re strong. There’s a game going on that has nothing to do with the cards, and you’re completely missing it. Pay attention!
The other key reason to pay attention, is that it keeps the game moving. I’ve seen so many people stare into the distance just waiting for devine intervention to notify them when it’s their turn. “Oh, it’s to me?” Yes, idiot. Just like the last hand, after I act, then it’s your turn. It also isn’t your turn to fold until after I and everyone else in front of you has acted. Although at least you aren’t holding up the action doing that, and personally I could care less if you fold out of order, because there’s at most 1 other player at the table that can use that to their advantage. Everyone else remains blissfully ignorant. Just pay attention and at least pretend that you want to win, even if you really don’t care.
Get Aggressive!
I have yet to see an aggressive home game in my life. I have also recognized that most people that “play” don’t even know what aggression is. If you put out three bets, you’ll get at least two players to skip a heartbeat like you just tossed the title to an Enzo Ferrari on the table. OH MY GOD, A RE-RAISE!!! Hell I’ll throw out three bets before I look at my cards if the conditions are right (it’ll be a while before you know when that is). I always think of home games as glaring opposites, they’re passive and begging to be beaten, don’t disappoint! So get aggressive and run over them. No discounts, no free cards, no fear and no friends.
Aggression is the least used weapon in the home game environment; predominantly because most people haven’t the slightest clue how to play Poker. They’ll say that they’re an Intermediate skill-level player, but they really don’t know anything. Thus they’re nervous that they’ll make a mistake, combined with a mistake amongst friends who will quickly point out what a dumb ass they are. Now, the other guys don’t know how to play either, so they’ll just play the same way, hoping not to make a mistake that will get them ridiculed. Therefore, the game is soft as Santa’s belly since most people are terrified of raising the pot one time, but they’ll call 297 bets cold all day long, even when they haven’t a hope or a prayer of winning. You can watch them thinking, “I call. Trip Kings on the flop huh? Ya, that beats my Jack high with 4 kicker.” They just want to go to work the next day and tell the coworkers how they got out of the house and played Poker the night before. So what does that mean for us, well if we get even a decent hand, say top-pair or any two-pair then we’re raising the hell out of that hand to get paid off by the guppies. They’ll pay through the teeth, because they don’t really care if they lose. It’s not like they’re ever going to admit to the loss anyway. “Oh, I ended the night about even.”
It’s very important to remember that I’m writing about Poker IRL (In Real Life), the Internet Poker game will get you punished with over aggression whereas IRL will get you paid. Why? When an Internet player screws up, which they do at least as often, they don’t have to field stares and they don’t care about the venomous chat, they can turn that off. Besides that, they don’t have to see you and a couple of other people standing in the back of a PTA meeting laughing heartily then growing quiet when you approach. They don’t have to walk past you at work the next day and see your face drop ever so slightly, like you feel sorry that they’re mentally defective at Poker. They know that you and all the others that hear about their terrible play will be thinking: “If they can’t play something as simple as cards worth a damn, then they probably can’t do anything else worth a damn either; what an idiot.” On the Internet they get the large warm blanket of anonymity to surround them and keep them blissfully apathetic.
In the real world, only the genuinely apathetic people will continue to play terrible directly in the face of ridicule. Meanwhile the vast majority of players, having some desire to not appear to be a complete backwoods rube will simply check and call. Every once in a miracle, they’ll throw out a raise, but if they get re-raised, they flee back into their shell to hide and just call while hoping that no one will hurt them. I’ve seen home game morons check and call with the nuts on the river more often than I can count. They’re just so terrified that they don’t even care about the money, they just want so badly to avoid making an obvious mistake, that they miss the completely obvious.
Mercy is for the weak. Butcher the weak and helpless. Only the weak will let them live. Rape the helpless and solace, make them feel the ultimate pain. While you’re at it don’t hesitate to plunder and pillage the weakest of them all. Don’t hold back, damn your friends and fuck your family, this is Poker. They’ll never do the same for you if they have any sense. There are no points for being nice. Try this technique on for size to help you get used to this new skill; the next time you play either Raise or Fold. Don’t Call unless you’re facing a capped bet.
Loosen up!
Waiting to play pocket Aces only is a valid playing strategy, it just isn’t a winning strategy with antes or a blind structure. Whoops, that’s every form of poker! Since we’re coaching the uninitiated, over time you’ll only see pocket Aces on average once per night. You’ll get them once every 221 hands that you’re dealt, and most games only last about 5 hours and you’ll get about 40 hands an hour. That means that you’ll have to pay the blinds 4 times an hour or 20 times a night; so if you’re playing a $2/4 game and you don’t call a single hand or win on your big blind all night then it will cost you at least $60 to sit in the game. Your win on that one hand of Aces will barely make a dent in that cost of doing business.
The moral is that you have to open up your game. Now, you have to be cognizant of your position, the further you are away from the button then the tighter you must play. However, I see players all the time that are oblivious to the fact that they’re on the button and no one has called in front of them. Not only should you be in the hand, but you should raise most of the time if you’re getting into the hand. That’s a great position, the best, why shouldn’t you put pressure on the blinds. They have just as much chance of having nothing in their hand and just as much chance at flopping nothing. So you’ll be following up that strong play with a follow-up bet. Notice the key part of this concept; I haven’t even mentioned what your cards are. Try this technique at your next game; don’t look at your cards when you’re on the button the next time that you play. It’s doubtful if anyone will ever notice. Remember when I said earlier to pay attention?
So, what hands can you play? Well we’ve already established that most home games are Semi-Tight/Passive. Therefore, you can play a wide variety of hands, but that doesn’t mean Jack Six magically becomes a playable hand. Pairs, suited connectors, suited cards with an Ace, King or even a Queen in late position with no one in front. You can’t just sit back and hope for Aces, Kings or Queens; you’re leaving far too much money on the table. You’ll know when you’re beat, because you’ll be using the Raise or Fold technique. If you can’t raise, then you can’t win.
So give these tips a shot the next time that you play and I’m sure that you’ll find yourself running over the monthly home game and finally getting into the Black ink. Imagine the relief that you’ll feel, not having to constantly lie all the time about your losses. Better yet, you can keep lying to your wife, telling her that you came out about even and build up your bankroll with your winnings. You could always toss a couple of bucks my way in exchange for this helpful advice. ;-) You’re welcome.
Nicholas has left the 3s